2. Learn to operate the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. 'Cute' is not a word of importance in our daily lives.
6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
7. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
8. Shopping is not fundamentally a good thing, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. No, you do not get points for this.
9. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Yes, you did throw/give some of the way just last year. No, you don't get any points for that.
11. Crying is blackmail.
12. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
13. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
14. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand if they are important to you.
15. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
16. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
17. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy devoid of personal responsibility and accountability is not what we do.
18. Check your oil. Please. For extra points, impress us by doing it without being reminded.
19. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
20. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
21. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
23. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. This is also genetic.
24. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
25. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say before or after but NOT during the movie.
26. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. And guess what - it's genetic.
27. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
28. When you state, "I'll be ready in a minute," the word 'minute' denotes a universally recognized and agreed to amount of time, that being sixty seconds. It is not the time it takes to perform a series of routines that you have mysteriously not learned - despite doing them since age nine - take far longer to do than sixty, two hundred, or even six-hundred seconds.
29. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like early computer default settings. Peach for example is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. We aren't even sure if pumpkins are fruits, but we definitely don't care, nor do we deign to store in our mental file just what color chartreuse is.
30. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. Often unawares. This too is probably genetic, but if proven to be a behavior that is fundamentally conditioned, allow our gender this one caprice.
31. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you: it is the natural order of things.
32. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
33. We men folk eagerly await the publication of a comparable set of rules, but understand that such a consistency is unlikely to be found any sooner than cold fusion.
34. Don't play 'mind police' with us. 'What are you thinking? Why are you thinking that? Who were you thinking that with?'... Enough. Men CAN actually sit and think about absolutely nothing. It is possible. Maybe not for women, but it is for men.
35. Me being quiet does NOT mean there is something wrong with our relationship. Sometimes it's just quiet time.
36.Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.
37. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
38. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
39. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.
40. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
41. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
42. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
43. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
44. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
45. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
46. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.
47. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
48. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
49. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
50. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
51. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.
52. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
53. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
54. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
55. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.
56. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
57. You’re really bad at faking it.
58. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.
59. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
60. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
61. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
62. Unless we're meeting my parents.
63. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.
64. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.
65. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
66. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
67. We love ponytails.
68. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
69. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.
70. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
71. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.
72. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
73. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
74. You can pick the movie, but have a good reason.
75. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."
76. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
77. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.
78. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
79. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
80. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
81. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
82. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"
83. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
84. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.
85. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
86. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
87. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
88. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
89. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
90. Anyone can buy condoms.
91. Ladies, withholding sex from us is not in your best interest. We really do think about sex a lot, and when you withhold it thinking that we'll do things for you that we're not doing, you're asking for trouble. If you gave us MORE sex, we'd be more likely to do those things. Seriously. And sex more often means we can control ourselves better, so we'll last longer to satisfy you. Seriously.
92. We're not good with verbal lists longer than three items. You want us to pick up milk, bread, eggs AND get gas in the car AND don't forget to stop by the post office to pick up stamps? This is what we heard, "Eggs... gas... office," and now we think we should buy some Gas-X so you won't break wind at work. WRITE. IT. DOWN. Seems like a hassle, I know, but it will save time in the long run. Really.
93. Yes, we did just look at that cute thing that walked by and smiled at us. No, we aren't interested in her, because you're giving us lots of sex as was mentioned in point #2.
94. Please don't ask us what we're feeling. Unless it's anger (which we totally understand) or sadness (which is only a 'sometimes-understand'), we don't "feel" things like you do. Ask us what we think. We like to fix stuff. We want to be your hero, your protector, the man who fixes things for you when you're hurt or upset or whatever. What we can't deal with is when you complain about that same things over and over and over and not let us do anything about it. Either let us fix it, or let us know we can't fix it then tell us once and let it go.
95. Guys: Take out the fucking trash without being asked. Even if it's not full, take it out, and then (and this is IMPORTANT!) replace the bag in the can! Just do it. She WILL notice (because she's taking it out now).
96. Stop bitching about her to your guy friends. NOW. When she finds out about what you say, she WILL remember it. FOREVER. And she won't forget it - even if you apologize. If the guys ask what's up with your wife/gf, say she's under a lot of stress and leave it at that. If they press, just say, "Well, she does have to put up with ME."
97. Ladies, please tell us when it's a week before you start your period. A simple, "I might be a little moody for the next week," will suffice. We will gladly overlook the odd outbursts due to hormonal imbalances til that week is passed.
98. learn to overlook the little shit that doesn't matter. Celebrate the little successes you have. Compliment each other daily. Tell them you love them. Say out loud that you appreciate what they do for you. Make sure they know that they are important to you. Do this even on the days that they have pissed you off.
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